just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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