just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm determined to sit on that face.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
