I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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