Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
