I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
