your room smells of hookers.
And success
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
