Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
