got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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