Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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