apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
