i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
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Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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