we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
