Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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