dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
