By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
