woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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