You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
