She went from zero to smokin in five shots
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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