I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had to cum in my sink.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
