If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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