I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i came on her dog
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
