You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Randomize
