thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
