Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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