I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
