In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
