I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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