i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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