Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
