Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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