when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
