Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
