So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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