It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
