Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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