why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
