Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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