Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
