I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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