his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's blow job season.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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