i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
