i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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