if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
