ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
