you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
