Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
