omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
