now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
