Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
