I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
