The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
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I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
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fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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