Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
