I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
