I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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