dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
