Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
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I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
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"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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