I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
