Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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