I haven't been this sober since birth.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
