It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
