I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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