I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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